Wanting to feel full again.
This lingering feeling of emptiness creeps out in the silent moments. Waiting for the chance to enter your mind. You can scroll and keep yourself busy, but it's waiting for the singular moment of silence.
I try to push it out. Doing fun things I enjoy, trying to feel my emotions. But I don't care, I don't care about myself. I know my will to exist still there, somewhere hidden, pushed away. I can feel it when I risk my physical wellbeing.
Have I forgotten to want the best for myself. By putting every one else's needs above mine. I have forgotten how it feels, to feel my own emotions. Simply because they are mine and I don't feel responsible for my own anymore emotions?
Being made responsible for someone else's emotions, kind of fucks you up. I should make myself responsible for my emotions. Not just regulating, that's fine already. But the responsibility to make myself happy.
Being responsible for somebody else's happiness. Really makes you forget how to be happy.
Writing does kind of help me sort out my thoughts. I should continue this.
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