The urge to return to something that isn't
The past is something far, far away.
But something inside of me wants to reach back. And never let it go, hold on to it. So it would never flee the grip of my hands.
The breakup of with X reminded me of my girlfriend before X. As far as I can remember I could be myself. It definitely wasn't a great relationship. It had massive flaws. She was suicidal and I didn't know how to handle that. In the evening I could easily upset her over text. And she would be mad and I would have to apologize for nothing. I didn't do great, but neither did she.
But there are memories I just can't forget. Locked inside my head. Happy moments, of just enjoying life with her. She's a lovely girl and deserves the best and I feel bad for hurting her.
It's something in the past. The time I played Mario Kart on the Wii with her, in the morning with bright sunshine illuminating her beautiful soft skin. It was fun, life felt good. It's funny how your mind can't forget things that make bad things look good. That relationship changed me I think, for better or for worse.
I wish I could go back and make the right decisions. Now I have to live and see the consequences. Life is complicated. But I should start to let go of the past, and see the future as is.
"Fietsenstallinggesprekken" ~ A word she and I invented
T