Feeling alone in a place of connection
I'm currently standing on a balcony in a country far away from my own. A bit cold, but it's worth it.
I'm standing alone. Physically and mentally. Alone on a cold balcony looking at the few lights in the darkness.
But I feel like I need to be here, to be alone. It's comforting to be in a silent and dark place. Hearing a small stream flowing just a few meters away. Feeling the roar of an engine in my ears. And feeling the keys under my fingers just type away.
I feel lonely. I'm in a house of people I know. Family. Not fully my actual family, but also people who I have recognized as family.
But still, I would rather stand on my cold balcony writing. Than connecting.
I don't really feel connected to the people I was connected to. I thought that the girl I liked accepted me for who I am. But I feel she doesn't. I tried to let her in on my ways, my ways of thinking and doing.
Then came an argument. She needed an immediate fix, I needed time to organize my thoughts and calm down. She got angry, I got scared. Eventually we called, I explained my perspective after she explained hers. I thought I was right, she thought she was right. I came from a place of logic, she came from a place of insecurity.
She changed the subject to something else. Nothing got resolved. I didn't know what was supposed to happen. Something didn't resolve, she just forgot. I don't feel right with the idea of forgetting something that you aren't happy with. Although sometimes I try to do it myself.
But she stayed like this. Going on if nothing happened. I still don't know what she thinks about the situation. It doesn't make me feel at ease know it isn't solved.
It makes me feel disconnected. It's like talking to a fake, a robot or an impenetrable wall with a cute laugh and a pretty face.
I feel lonely.
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