Does one deserve happiness?
Over the past few months I struggled regularly with the idea: "I don't deserve happiness, because if I get to close to others I hurt them". And, for the most part, it's true.
In the past I had relationships where in the end they were hurt by my actions. Although these actions weren't intentional, they ultimately hurt the other. These actions were mostly caused by my inability to act on my own and always trying to conform to the others wishes. Neglecting my own, even if I was fundamentally opposed to the wish. Resulting in a slow erosion of my own and final breakdown. Leading to the return to my own self, which ends in a confused break-up for the other.
I'm the one blamed for ruining everything, for ruining their lives and whatever. This subconsciously drilled into my head: "Something is wrong with me. I should stay away from others to protect them.". I started hanging out less and quite really felt alone. But some time later I started reaching out again. Less and less I thought about my "evilness", but it stayed there somewhere.
It resurfaced with this girl from work. We are friends, but I sometimes have the idea she's into me. I like her too, but I'm not sure yet if I like her romantically too. Suddenly a little voice appeared in my head whispering: "You will hurt her. You should keep your distance before things go south.". Because at the end of the day. I dislike who I am and I'm nowhere close to accepting it either.
I think writing this has cleared things up. We should stay friends, even if I have to hurt her via rejection. Because ultimately: I'm not ready yet. One should love himself first, before he loves another. And suddenly my old wound is invisible again.