Being scared in an unhappy relationship
E-mail: toblogornottoblog@proton.me (Please share your thoughts, kind stranger)
My currently unofficial relationship is making me extremely unhappy. This relationship constantly dictates my mood, from happy to sad to annoyed. It's really messing with my head.
Everything feels fake and she makes me feel like I made it this way. That I'm uncaring and bad. But she doesn't let me go. She just forgets, probably not even moving on. While I'm here, left in the dust, still remembering and definitely not forgetting. It feels like a fever dream.
I enjoy her company and she's fun. But outside of that, it's just despair. I feel like I'm the wrong one in the relationship. But logically speaking I'm not. It makes me scared.
She says I'm super fun and special. But I don't feel like I'm special or any sort of fun. I feel like I'm constantly hurting her. She said I broke her emotional trust with me, because I don't listen and only defend myself. Isn't that because a discussion should have both sides of the story? Or I just misinterpreted it. It's insecurity. She's extremely insecure. She doesn't give herself worth, not even in the relationship. Because she just keeps coming back, hoping that I've changed.
But I'm not changing. I'm myself and nobody is gonna change that. Somebody is gonna eventually like me for who I am. That's an universal fact, for everyone.
And because she lost her self-worth, she gives me everything. Especially physically, but I don't want to abuse that fact. But she presents it like she likes it. She even told me it's because she thinks people will otherwise leave, because doesn't have anything else. But it's this fact that people who really like her leave her. Because you need self-worth in a relationship.
I'm thinking about breaking up. I know I'm not happy.
T